Maybe

I used the word "maybe" and similar terms, such as "likely," or "probably" too much. I've never really noticed it when I'm speaking, so perhaps I do it only when I'm writing. Well, I know that I do it a lot when I'm fighting with Vicki, too. It's a habit I've been consciously trying to break recently, because sometimes, I read what I write and I'm not even convincing myself. I'm not sure why or when I started to express this self-doubt. Maybe when I was younger, I had my own words used against me a few too many times? See, there it is again... I say maybe in that last sentance because I'm honestly not sure. That's the thing, though... I'm honestly not sure about a lot of things.

I don't want to present the idea that Vicki and I fight a lot (we passed the honeymoon phase long ago, but we also seem beyond the "rocky" phase and firmly into the "practically married" stage), but I wanted to use this as an general example. Guys, I'm sure you've heard your woman throw a hyopthetical role reversal scenario at you, and then give you the classic line, "How would that make you feel?" As often as not, I'd answer that question with an "I don't know." Not because I'm intentionally being difficult. Sure, I can imagine how I'd feel, and usually, I know how she wants me to say I'd feel. Most of the time those are the same thing, but regardless, I'm always hesitant to really commit. Maybe I imagine I'd feel one way, and then when such an event actually came to pass, I'd feel something entirely different. Then my entire world would just come crashing down, you know?

Of course, it's nothing really that severe. Which is why I can't figure out why I can't get rid of this habit. It's funny too, because when it comes to certain things I'm so damned cocky that I get myself into trouble (see: college), but on some of the simplest things, I just can't make a firm decision. I'm apparently afraid to be wrong, even if are no consequences. Hell, even if the consequences for being indecisive are worse than the consequences for being wrong, I still won't come up with a certain answer.

Call the angst department, 'cause this post seems to be going downhill fast. If I write and then erase one more line, I'll just scrap the entire thing (too many posts have met such a fate). So I'm just going to stop here.

EDIT: I randomly decided to look back at earlier blog posts. Turns out I already wrote about this (briefly) in my very first blog post (scroll down), two or so years ago. Worse yet, I said it more cleverly and succinctly then. Good thing I ended where I did. Here's an excerpt:

"Vicki is always on my case about that sort of talk, too. "I suppose", "I guess." Maybe I'm weird, but I'm almost never 100% sure of anything. Even if I'm 99.9% sure of something, I'll say "That sounds right," or "I'm pretty sure." In my mind, there are no absolutes, no black and whites. I often don't even trust my own memory. It's a sort of comfortable uncertainty. Of course, it is difficult for people to trust what you say when you don't completely trust yourself."

There's more passion in this writing. I need to get back on track.