Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -

I realized that I had no fucking clue where I was or where I was going.

I'm not exactly at a crossroads per se, as I don't really have any impending, life-changing decisions looming overhead at this exact moment. It's more like I'm having a rest by the side of the road, but I can see the crossroads in the distance. I'm still enjoying the break, but I know it's going to be time get moving soon. What then?

Well, first of all I gotta go back to school. That's a given. It's not so cut and dried as that, though: when do I go back, where do I go, and what do I go back to study? The original plan was to go back to school in the fall, probably to the local community college or to one in the Rochester or Buffalo area. I don't see any reason to change that plan, except for that Vicki and I aren't really sure where we will be living or will want to be living. Since I flunked out of Geneseo like a champ, my chances of getting into a "real" college seem low. And expensive (your financial aid gets cut when your grades suck). Still, that's something I really should research, as cutting out the community college step would be advantageous.

I'm less worried about what college I go to as opposed to what I go back to study. The way I see, I have three potential and relatively disparate paths.

The first path, and the one that would probably make me happiest, would be to pursue a career in game design. When I was still a young'un, I always wanted to make video games. While now I think I might be happier designing RPGs or card games, pretty much any sort of game design would pretty much be my dream job. The problems with this path are many: first and foremost, the industry is an absolute bitch to break into. It's one of those catch 22 situations where you need experience to get a job, but you have no real way of getting experience.

The best way to get into the gaming business is to freelance a product or two. Make a name for yourself. I've tried on more than one occasion to finish a project of some significant scope, but have failed for a number of reasons. Mostly because I simply lost motivation. Others, I tried to create a team to keep ideas flowing and lessen the total workload. Either no one proved interested or no one remained interested long enough to do anything significant. I admit that some of this is my fault -- if I was more aggressive I could probably join some random freelance creative team for some unknown and probably low-rent game that wouldn't make much noise, but would at least give me a resume. Problem is that, like I've mentioned, I'm a control freak. I'd probably either get frustrated myself or frustrate my partners by pushing too hard for whatever idea I happen to fancy at the moment. On the flipside, I'm not really 100% confident in my ability to successfully lead such an endeavor. So as cool as it would be, it seems unlikely that I could ever truly make a career out of game design.

My next option would be to enter the realm of politics. Quite a jump, eh? While it obviously wouldn't be as fun, this path would be much more fulfulling. I joked when I was in school that I wanted to be president someday. I still do, like I'm sure many others, believe that I could do things "right." I've got a few things working against me, though.

For one, my not-so-stellar first run at college might prove a hindurance. I can picture the smear-ad campaigns now. Second, I'm not white, and I don't come from a rich family. Not to say that you have to be a rich white person to get into office... but there have only been 3 black senators. Ever. And two of them were within the last decade. If I were to get into politics, I'd want to be at least a senator. I mean, does anyone ever care about Representatives? Another major roadblock would be that I am vehemently anti-partisan. I fall closer to Democrat than Republican, and I'd most certainly have to declare for one side or the other to get anywhere. That's a compromise I'd be unhappy to make. Would I then be expected to ride the party line? How much would I have to compromise to get anything done? Getting into an office and then not being able to do anything because of partisan politics would be worse than not even getting there. In the end, it's entirely probably that would probably accomplish nothing at all. No, I have a feeling that a career in politics would be nowhere near as fulfilling as I would hope.

So then what? My third and final option is, simply, to write. I'd like to write a novel, but I don't know that I could be a novelist. I'd consider being a critic, but I worry that I might become a critical person. You know, one of those obnoxious curmudgeons who doesn't like anything. On the upside, writing would allow me a lot of freedom. I could write about games and politics if I wanted. But of course, writing has another problem: it's a hard industry to get into.

Great.

Random Poetry!

I haven't written in poem in... two years? How sad. I used to think I was quite the artiste, but looking back now, I feel like a lot of my poetry was kinda lame. At least my "first generation" poetry. That was my high-school/early college days when I was nothing more than a big ball of angst. There was a girl I was "in love" with and I was really torn up about it. Then I left high-school and couldn't get a girlfriend. And I was really torn up about it. Sadly, not only was my poetry whiny and kinda immature, it just straight up wasn't that good. Everyone else still thinks they are nice, but they kinda annoy me now.

In any case, I thought I'd share some of my poems, new and old, from time to time on here. Ryan's project has gotten me thinking about writing again, so maybe I'll actually, you know, do that. Anyway, here's one of my old school loser poems. This was my magnum opus, back in the day:

"Wane"
A tarnished beauty, smothered in lies,
it's all that's left, dead to my eyes.
My heart bound to a lattice of spite,
stuck in the shadow, can't see the light.
I don't want to be like this, this isn't me,
but I can't go back to what I used to be.
We both are lost on an impossible quest,
there's no hope, it seems, no rest.
It's not your fault, nor is it mine.
I can't go any farther, the end of the line.
I never wanted this, all I wanted was you,
there's too much pain, what must I do?
Maybe you never knew, will never know,
maybe it's better that I just go.
Get on with my life, let you slip away,
full of regrets, but I'm better, today.
Maybe next time, maybe you'll see,
who I am, who you are, and what you mean to me.
Though love has fled, one thing holds true,
I will always be there for you.

Huh. Come to think of it, that's not all that bad. I think I judge my own poems harshly because of their angst, but now that I reread this I actually like it. Or maybe I'm just arrogant as ever. I'm about to toot my own horn, so bear with me: I really like the imagery in the first couple lines. I went to the Trent Reznor school of poetry where everything is distorted and over-the-top. What can I say, that's just my style. All in all, I think this one has a nice flow to it. Bravo, me! ...God, I'm such a jackass.

Next!

"Unremember"
Mr. Boss-man,
unhire me from this tedious nine to five.
Break me from the shackles
of the job fair slave trade
I want to run free in the streets and
unremember sixteen wasted years and a college degree.

Mr. Teacher, sir,
unlearn me this supposed wisdom.
Free me from this graveyard
where fresh thought goes to die
I want to run free through the playground and
unremember the knowledge that stole my innocence.

Mr. Television set,
unwatch me this stale spectacle.
Help me flee the terror
with which you invade my home
I want to walk fearless through this life and
unremember all the pain and sorrow

Mommy dearest,
unsend me to this static life.
Take me back to the home
where we all belong
Crawl careless over cushioned floors and
unremember the cuts and scrapes of a squandered life.

This one I wrote in my junior year of college. This is actually one of the last poems I ever wrote, I think. My professor actually criticized for being too whiny, which was odd, as I assumed he'd be critiquing the form and not the subject matter. Anyway, more good imagery here, if I don't say so myself (and I do!). Now that I look, I might want to reverse the order of the second and third stanzas. As I "matured" as a poet I rhymed less. As such, the form here is a little less strict and less flowing. You see, true poets are too pretentious to rhyme. I wrote a fun poem about the pretention of poetry as an art, but I'll share that one for another time.

One more short one:

"Fireplace"
The TV sets a fire
watching our eyes burn
Self-fulfilling pyre-prophecy
Keeps our hearts (and hearths)
warm with hate

The continued evolution of my pretention. This one is very word-play filled. It was originally layed out in a very E. E. Cummings-esque jumble (see, I did learn something in college) with various parenthesis and things where they looked funny. Anyway, witness the layers:
1) is it "the TV sets a fire" or "the TV sets afire"
2) is it "watching our eyes burn" or is it "watching, our eyes burn"
3) well it's kinda spelled out now, but originally it would've read "Keeps our heart(h)s"

Cool, huh? I'm so clever.

Comment please. If you don't, I will simply cease to be. (Seriously, even though these are old, I'd still appreciate the thoughts!)

Trains, Planes, and Automobiles

This weekend will be a weekend for travel. On Wednesday, Vicki is driving here, so that on Thursday we can both drive back to Buffalo to catch a plane on Friday! We'll be flying to Washington D.C. for my cousin Joel's wedding. So I'll be driving about 6 hours to fly on a plane for about an hour and a half, then flying back on Sunday and taking the train from Buffalo back to Schenectady on Monday... And then I'll drive about an hour from there straight into work. Joy.

This is why I don't like ceremony. Vicki and I disagreed on this earlier in our relationship -- I thought that weddings were stupid and unnecessary, while she (in typical girl fashion :-p) held the institution rather sacred. I've since changed my tune a bit. While I still don't feel that weddings are worth as much fuss as they cause, I respect what they stand for. In any case, my point is that weddings and similar ceremonies are just too much trouble. My mother, as usual, is obsessing over every little detail and generally just worrying too much about everything. With all the stress that my mother inflicts on herself, I'm actually surprised (and thankful) that she is as healthy as she is. On top of all the planning and fussing (which I'll admit, Vicki did most of, because I just... well, don't care about the details), this wedding is just expensive. I'm sure the expense for the immediate families are obviously ridiculous, as Joel's fiancee comes from a fairly well-to-do family. But for me, this wedding is going to cost me upwards of $300 at the end. Around $170 for the plane ticket, at least $65 for clothes (I don't get dressed up often), $50 or so for a gift (which I really need to get soon!), and the hotel room will easily push it over $300. That figure goes even higher with all the miscellaneous expenses. Oh, and I forgot about the price of driving to Buffalo and taking the train back. Sweet!

(Hm. I think I use parenthesis too much. Ah well.)

The entire process just frustrates me. That's a lot of money and a lot of time going into this, from a lot of people. And for what? Marriage, to me, doesn't prove a thing. If you love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them, then you do, and that's it. Half of marriages in this country don't even last. Love is more than a just piece of paper and a promise. All this pomp is just over the top.

It probably won't be too long before I'm headed down that road myself. How much money do I need to spend in order to prove my love? That's what it seems like things have come down to. If I buy cubic zirconia instead of a real diamond, does that mean my love is as fake as the stone? I don't think so. Thing is, I know that when I go to take that step, I'll go against everything I said here and buy something unreasonably expensive.

I guess that's love.

Song of the Unquan

I've tried a couple of times to do album reviews for some of the music I've picked up recently, but have failed repeatedly. Not for lack of stuff to write about -- quite the opposite. As always, I tend to be very verbose and just run on and on [b]forever[/b]. So in interest of keeping things brief, I've decided to just review (or just talk about) certain songs that grab me. Thus, Song of the Unquan. What's an unquan you, ask? It's a word I made up. Isn't creative license fun? It essentially refers to anything unquantifiable. Since this won't be a "Song of the Day" or "Song of the Week" (as consistency isn't my strong suit), I'll be pretty much writing about a song whenever I damn well please. So there.

So, at the moment, the song that's grabbing me is "Doesn't Remind Me" by Audioslave. It's from the new disc, Out of Exile. It's actually rather uncharactistic if you've listened to the first Audioslave album. Whereas Tom Morello's ridiculous guitar playing was almost omni-present on the self-titled album, this song is pretty low-key (don't worry, Morello hasn't lost his edge -- this song has a great solo and album has plenty of tracks that feature insane solos and sounds that a guitar just shouldn't make).

So the verse part of the song is, like I said, low-key and mid-tempo. Just a simple, acoustic-sounding strum pattern with a thick bass-riff behind it. It's a nice change-up, and they pull it off well -- let no one say Morello is a one-trick pony. Singer Chris Cornell tones it down a bit too. For the verse, he drops his characteristic hoarse croon and adopts a more wistful tone.

The lyrics are the real standout though. The song seems to encapsule a life of loss and regret, but it doesn't bludgeon you over the head with it's angst. It's more of a resigned thing. It's as though the singer has so much to regret that he does things just because they are unfamiliar, that they won't bring back any painful memories. The verses are somewhat simple, but between the clever imagery and Cornell's soulful singing, they really strike you:

"I like studying faces in the parking lot,
'cause it doesn't remind me of anything
I like driving backwards in the fog,
'cause it doesn't remind me of anything"

The chorus is a pretty much a total 180, as the band enter full on hard-rockin' mode -- sounds much more like the Audioslave you may be used to. Here we're keyed in more to the singer's emotional state:

"The things that I've loved, the things that I've lost,
the things I've held sacred... that I've dropped
I won't lie no more, you can bet,
I don't wanna learn what I'll need to forget"

As always, you really need to hear the song to "get it," but there you have it. You can see the full lyrics here. This is the kind of song that I love though -- brilliantly understated, powerful but not heavy-handed. It gets the point across in a beautiful and creative way but without compromise. And of course, Chris Cornell sings his ass off and Tom Morello makes sweet, sweet love to his guitar. Beautiful stuff.

"Sorry I burned down your village. Here's some gold."

Once again, I'm revel in my own geek-dom -- the quote is actually from a old magic card called Reparations. I chose that because reparations is part of what I want to talk about in this post.

But more generally, the topic today is the big R-word... that's right, kids, it's racism.

Now, being mulatto, I've never really classified myself as white or black. Having grown up in an all-white neighborhood, with an all-white family and all-white friends, race wasn't really an issue for me. Despite living in a rural, small-town area, racism never really had much of an effect on my life. I remember, on the playground one time when I was in maybe 3rd or 4th grade, one kid called me a nigger for reasons I can't remember. I cried, but I don't think I really understood why at that time. I remember another guy calling me the same on the bus one time. I thought I was smart, so I was like "Oh, you must be talking about Nigeria, the African country." Not a very good comeback, but what do you expect when you're like 9? Besides, the ass-hole sixth-grader probably didn't even know what I was talking about, so I hereby declare myself winner of that exchange.

But I digress. I get the feeling that, if I were ever a teacher, I'd be the sort who spends half of any given class just talking about random shit and never really getting to the lessons. See what I mean...? Anyawy, the point is, racism, to me was little more than a handful of isolated events, and I never really thought about my racial identity. Hell, I still don't really think about it.

Lately a few things have been keying me into the whole race issue. A lot probably had a lot to do with my newfound respect for rap's finer specimens, like (as mentioned before) Talib Kweli, Mos Def et al. More recently though, someone posted the question "Should black people get reparations for slavery?" on the World of Warcraft Off-topic message boards. An odd place to have an intellectual discussion, perhaps, but it really was quite a good one. If it still existed (which I was sad to discover that it doesn't), I'd link to it.

Reparations is a horrible idea for a number of reasons.

#1: Many believe it is just a "ploy" to get free money. Their money. Everyone likes getting money, no one likes giving it up. This is what we call conflict. I'm certain there are some people who would support the movement just to collect a check. I'm certain there are plenty. But even if there weren't any, this basic idea compromises the whole movement. The worst part is that people who deserve to pay the most (racists) will obviously be the most likely to rebel against it. Reparations would, simply put, be a civil rights disaster.

#2: Who's gonna pay? Who is to blame? Should it be a mandatory "white people" tax? Should my adoptive parents, who raised me and clearly have no racial bias have to pay for something that people 400 miles south of here did 200 years ago? Fact is, slavery is dead and prejudice is, in a legal sense, invisible. Some supporters or reparations seem to have a "guilty by association" view. Even if you weren't a slaver (or in this case, your great grandparents weren't, or whatever), then you knew someone who was and you didn't stop it. Therefore, you must pay. No, it doesn't make any sense to me either.

#3: Who's gonna get the money? Should every black person get a check? I think that Dave Chappelle did a great sketch on what would happen if that were to occur ("I just bought this baby -- cash!"; "KFC and Fubu have merged to form the largest corporation in the world."; "They're just tripping over themselves to give the money right back to us!")
The general idea for reparations movements is to put the money into non-profit organizations -- an idea that I can get behind. But again, where's the money coming from? It's got to come from the (white) people, and the (white) people will not stand for it.

Some arguments for reparations are very compelling. Was there a crime committed? Yes, clearly -- one of humanity's greater tragedies. Furthermore, slavery and its aftermath has had an effect on black people to this day. The thing is, I'm not sure that there's any amount of money that can undo all the damage. I mean, infrastructure is key -- the shitty ghettos that are like 90% black need new and better schools, homes... better everything. But more than anything, it needs time. We can't just plop some new schools down and everything will be nice-nice... it'll take decades to heal. And even then, who knows?

I'm speaking as an outsider here, but believe the problem with black people today is this terrible cycle that they are locked into. A lot of people will say that if you want to escape from the Ghetto, you work hard and you get educated and you do it. Now, if you believe in nature over nurture, this argument works. Well, sometimes. But if you believe the opposite it just falls apart. If no one arounds you values learning, why would you? If the richest people around you are pimps and dealers, why go to school? If your parents can't provide for you but a gang can, why not run with them? Does it essentially come down to a lack of education? Yes -- but not the sort of thing that school's can fix.

The state of race relations in this country is bad enough without reparations making everyone even more pissed off. What's always disheartened me, though, is that black people are just as racist, if not moreso, than white people. I think that it must be human nature. In my time in Geneseo (which is mostly a white campus), I'd often see blacks with blacks, asians with asians, etc. That's just how people are. It's fucked up. Or is it? I dunno, I don't fully understand it... I mean, I understand why people do it on a fundamental level, but at what point when meeting a new person does your mind say "This person shares my race, I should be friends with them" (or vice versa)?

What I'm getting at is that people don't seem to want to be unified. Not on a personal level. People are content with just looking "not racist." They may not see people of other races as inferior... but they see them as still "different." And in ways, we are -- but not so much so that we can't all just treat each other like "normal" humans.

For what it's worth, though... I think things are getting better. I think we're just now starting to reap the benefits of the civil rights movement. Our generation is gradually coming into power, and things seem to be moving in the right direction. We can only hope.

Note: I only touched on reverse-racism this post... I do want to revisit that topic again soon.

Because I don't feel like doing real work...

Jesus Christ, the time flies.

I can scarcely belive it's been a month since I've last updated this thing. I guess I fail at life. Again.

As usual, it's not like I've been doing anything important that kept me from blogging... but I guess that's part of the problem. But that's a half-truth at best, because when have I ever really talked about actually doing something?

Honestly not much has happened in this past month. My interest in Magic: The Gathering has been rekinlded. I've been playing a lot of Magic: Online lately, practicing up for who-knows-what. I always half-joke about getting on the Pro Tour (especially with the new Pro Players Club), but I've become much more serious about it of late. Many people tend to see the game as a geeky distraction at best, satanic at the worst, but how could anyone scoff at being paid thousands to travel the world and play a game? I should probably focus my efforts on poker instead (it's easier and more profitable), but what can I say? I love the game.

In other news, Vicki came up for about 10 days total this month. Not really much to say about it -- we always have a blast together. We've been dating for four years, but some days it feels like four months. We left the "honeymoon phase" a while back when we lived together, but now that we're apart it seems to be back in full swing. I eventually conned/guilted her into going to see Star Wars Episode 3 with me (she doesn't like sci-fi or fantasy, so things like that have always been a hard sell with her). She apparently liked it enough to want to see the original trilogy, so I picked up the boxed set (I figured that I'd end up buying it eventually, anyway). She said that maybe she had always been a geek, and just had no one to bring it out of her. So there's still hope. ;) I've been trying to convince her to play World of Warcraft -- she played it once and enjoyed it moderately, but she's been resistant... so far.

One more tidbit before I move on to the bulk of this post (this is a trick, I haven't decided what the "bulk of this post" will consist of). The new Nine Inch Nails album is lovely. Well, that's a bit of a misnomer, it's dark and gritty and mechanical like any other NIN album. That's why I love it. Trent, even though he's pushing 40, can still channel angst better than any modern "emo" band. When I looked at the tracklist for the first time, the song named "Every Day Is Exactly the Same" made me smile. The lyrics are classic Trent Reznor -- always pushing it one step further than you'd expect. Like this bit from "Only": "Well, I am alone / but then again I always was / as far back as I can tell / I guess maybe it's because / because you were never really real to begin with / I just made you up to hurt myself." The standout track is the last track on the album, "Right Where It Belongs" which is reminiscent of "Hurt" from the Downward Spiral. It's got a great little piano part over a rough electronic grind, it's really just beautifully composed. "With Teeth" isn't Trent's greatest work, but it doesn't disappoint at all.

Right, so... bulk of the post... bulk of the post. I've got three major things on my mind at this moment. First is race. I recently had a great discussion about race and reparations on the World of Warcraft forums (of all places) that I wanted to talk about. Second, relationships. I've been thinking about how my relationship with Vicki has been, at times, a path to self-discovery. Like sometimes, we'll fight about something and in order to get to the bottom of a given problem, I usually have to do some soul-searching that just wouldn't get done otherwise. The last thing is that my cousin and good friend, Chris, has been recalled to the army and will likely be going to Iraq. So I want to talk about that, and also about Chris' brother, Joel. The two of them are an interesting dichotomy.

That should give me enough fuel to write a few more posts... which is exactly what I'll be doing. Next time, I'll pick one of those topics and go to town. See, I told you it was a trick.